Holy shit look who it is. Yes, it’s me, the foul mouthed anonymous blogger who hides behind a picture of a starbuck coffee and calls himself Aiden/bubbakavangha.
Although don’t expect this to be my big, grand return to blogging. I’m still working things out in that area (which is taking longer than the month I said it would, I know). Instead, I’m here because I’m having another issues and what I do best when I have a crisis is blog. As a coffee cup.
I’m having what I call the University Crisis.
I leave in less than four weeks for university. New people, new place, new everything. And that also comes with no money, no friends, no familiarity. It’s hitting home and I blame the ending to Skins season 2 which I watched this morning at 2am. Mate was that ending too real for me and now I’m feeling the shockwaves.
Let me take a second to actually talk and make some sense.
I got into university. After months of anxiety, panic attacks, lack of motivation and the general want to give the fuck up, I made it. Distinction* in my BTEC (which is equal to an A*, just to let you know), B in Media, and a C in English. Pretty decent grades in the end. And I got into my first choice university. Hertfordshire to study Media and Creative Writing with an optional year abroad (which I will most certainly be taking).
But what I wasn’t prepared for was all the prep that comes before university. on results day alone I had about five emails from the university about things I had to sort out before I got there. Accommodation enrolling onto my course. Getting to grips with when I can move in and what I’ll need. Current objectives involve the following:
- Make a student bank account
- Find my flatmates on the Facebook freshers page (although I’m beginning to think no one in my flat has facebook and thus I am all alone, while the flats in my block are all finding their people)
- Get the odd bits and bobs to have in my room. You know, decorations and other bits of shit. A door stop, stationary, etc.
- Get a job because I am broke and will not survive
Yeah, lot to do. And that’s not what’s making me nervous. In fact I’m really looking forwards to university and already have an idea of whether I want to join societies and which ones I want to join, where I can go out when I haven’t got work/lectures etc etc.
But the thing that is really hitting home is home.
The other night I was out with some friends and while talking to one, Poppy (new person!), it kind of make me realise that I’ll meet new people and I have no idea what will happen with the old ones. About seven of my friends are all going to the same city: Peter and his brother, Emily, James, Poppy, and a few others. They’ll all be really close to one another. Orla (who I have become incredibly close with over a matter of months) will have a few friends where they’re going, and then there’s me. I’ll have no one and be entirely on my own. I’m gonna have to trick people into liking me all over again.
But a small part of a conversation with Poppy is probably one of the earlier stages of the University Crisis:
Me: Peter is such a shit. Good luck living with him.
Poppy: I have no idea how I’m going to do it. At least I’ll have the others there as well
Me: Yeah. (pause) I have no idea how I’m going to live without Peter. I’m so used to seeing him nearly every day it’ll be strange not seeing him
In case you’re new, Peter and I have been friends for seven years. He’s one of my best friends and we’ve literally been by each other’s sides through everything: depression, parental struggles, beginnings of relationships, the discovery of alcohol and parties, my ‘fling’ with a certain someone (wouldn’t you like to know ;)).
So the idea of not seeing any of them 5 days out of 7 is really weird now. I’ll be alone and I’m not sure if that scares me or if I’m just nervous about it’ I’m struggling to tell the difference right now. But I’m also worried about how things will fold out when I come back home. whether I’ll drift away from people I’ve known for years, or whether only some of them will.
This university business is hard work, I’m not sure I’m emotionally cut out for it. I need a realistic guide to university that isn’t all like ‘alcohol! Parties! New people! etc etc!’ I need a step by step guide as to what I should expect from everything when I go to university.
God I hate going into the unknown without any clear direction.
Fuck you uncontrollable life events.
Fuck you season 2 finale of Skins where the first generation (and best) set of characters left and move on to university.
As you may be able to tell, I’m not coping with this University Crisis well. And I’m not sure if this even counts as blogging anymore. In fact, I’m not convinced anything I’ve ever done counts as blogging.
Look the point is this: I’m scare of change and I think I might possibly cry at the prospect of myself and my friends all moving onto new things, very much in the style of a TV series ending and the characters moving on from everything they knew to something else, and something no longer worthy of a TV series or not fitting to the premise of the series. Worst analogy ever.
I don’t think it helps that I’ll be the last to leave out of everything. By the time I get into my halls, the vast majority will have already been at university for about two weeks. And that makes me realise that I think I’m scared of getting left behind or forgotten about.
Right time to end things here and I’ll leave it with a demand that you read Solitaire and Radio Silence both by Alice Oseman because they are very good and Solitaire has a novella spin off which is very gay.
PS. I’m not going to proof read this because a) I can’t be f*cked and b) it’ll make matters worse. So sorry if there’s any grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. If they insult you, deal with it 🙂